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hello everybody and welcome to True Hope cast the official podcast of true hope Canada where we take a deep dive into

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mental Health's many physiological and psychological aspects this is the show for you if you're looking for motivation

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inspiration knowledge and solutions and that's what we are all about here at true hope Canada and trueu hope Canada

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is a mind and body based supplement company dedicated first and foremost to promoting brain and body Health through

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non-invasive nutritional means for more information about us please visit true hopan

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docomomo Dan crystal is a licensed marriage and family therapist based in Austin Texas

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known for her expertise in relationships trauma work and Sex Therapy with a focus on supporting first responder couples

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and addressing men's issues Crystal offers a unique therapeutic approach rooted in understanding male psychology

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and the challenges faced by men in contemporary Society her development of the strong model of relational therapy

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which blends trauma informed and attachment-based methods has learned her reputation as a leading Authority in the

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domain her recent book strong a relationship Field Guide for the Modern Man offers practical guidance for

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navigating contemporary relationships Crystal's dedication to advancing men's mental health advocacy extends Beyond

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her clinical practice as a trainer consultant author and public speaker she actively promotes awareness and

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education on the importance of men's mental health and wellness as well as the impact of trauma on relationships

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today we're going to be discussing the evolution of masculinity and the modern relationship enjoy the show okay welcome

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to the show Crystal thank you so much for being with me for being with us today how are you what is going well I

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am doing well it is um nice and hot here in Austin Texas so you know Endless

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Summer benefits of living in Texas I guess so that's wonderful well we're

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going to be discussing the evolution of masculinity and the modern relationship ship today but before we jump into that

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topic would you mind just sharing with us a little bit about who you are and what it is that you do sure so I'm I'm

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Crystal and I'm a licensed marriage and family therapist here in Austin um I'm

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also an author I wrote a book called strong the relationship Field Guide for the Modern Man and yeah um that's that's

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what I do I'm a therapist and author um and then who I am is I'm someone who

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loves cooking and I have two little dogs and one big cat and I'm married and I'm

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also a bonus mom so yeah that's me what a bonus mom

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uh my husband had a child with a previous uh marriage and so I've been a bonus parent wonderful that's cool I've

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never heard that term before but that's that's lovely thanks for sharing yeah um right let's kick off talking about m

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masculinity like what does that mean in 2024 I think that's the big question

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yeah right um yeah and so that's really where I'm you know I specialize in

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working with couples and particularly with men and Trauma um I really was

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fascinated with the impact of trauma on relationships um and so I've I've gotten

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some specialized training working with trauma and then part of that is I

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started working with a lot of veterans and First Responders and then their families so you know I worked around a

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lot of kind of self identified masculine men um in some ways even like hyper

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masculine right they're I mean I'm in Texas too right it's very like masculine men who are protectors they are

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firefighters they're cops they're veterans um and there was some kind of

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confusion about you know what does that mean when it comes to being a man in a

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relationship or in the world um because there has been such a change around what

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it means to be a man um and what masculinity is is it healthy is it toxic

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um in today's culture and I think we're still right in the middle of that conversation as a

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society yeah it's interesting that you you name a bunch of those occupations firefighter police serving in the arm

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the Armed Forces um obviously primarily like masculine jobs um and then then

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obviously a lot of specific traits are necessary to be successful with that type of a job but

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how do people or do people successfully separate those roles um and

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those personality traits that people take into their job you know most days of the week most days of the year and

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then come home and separate themselves from that job and that role and then coming into being a partner coming into

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being a father like how do people do you think navigate that well and I think

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that's really what the question is right because for many years um for a long

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time men identified kind of who they are by what they

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do that's fair right and so I think it's most obvious when you talk to you know

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police officers or firefighters or military members right it's like I'm a I'm a cop I'm a fire Fighter um but then

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when you come home who are you right and so again same thing with any profession so as I started to look into it it's

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like well I'm a you know I'm an accountant I'm a banker I'm an engineer it's like okay yes but who are you as a

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person who that's what you do that's what you know that's your production value but who are you as a human who are

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you at home and so that is where I've seen a lot of men I mean that's really the conversation right is are men more

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than just objects of production um are they they able to be human at home do we

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make space for them to be human at home or are men only valued for their ability to provide financially or protect um

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through these jobs yeah I find I found just just my own perspective in my own

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life I found that I'm such a better parent and partner when I have a

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specific routine and transition between like being in my office space which is

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which is at home and then going from work mode to parent mode if I like if my

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kids are home at 4 o'clock and I'm doing stuff till 3:59 I'm a I'm a worse parent than I am

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if I stop 15 minutes beforehand and I like go outside perhaps and breathe have sun exposure and just

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like take that time stretching actually is really good for me to take that time to come out of like my work mode which

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if you think about it biochemically I'm using very different parts of my brain I'm producing very different

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biochemicals and different hormones stress usually stress hormones usually and then I'm going into my pet going

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into my parent mode where I want to be like you know producing dopamine and serotonin and oxytocin all these

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completely different chemicals which will come from different parts of my brain being engaged and you can be like

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an incredibly Zen individual but like to be able to like switch one off and then turn the other one on like there's going

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to be some like you know some some overlap yeah so I find that incredibly

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helpful for me and I notice like when I'm being a not being the best parent I could possibly be I say to my partner I

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listen I just need 10 minutes here to just like recalibrate how yeah how have you seen in your therapy sessions working with

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working with men and I guess with women as well like who work and then transition into the home how have you

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seen transitions work for people you know I think that's really where I'm a fan of the buffer right is like having

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the buffer between work and home and it has gotten much more complicated because like you said a lot of people now their

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work is at home right and so you do have to intentionally create that buffer time whereas before maybe it was the drive

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home you would have 20 minutes to kind of decompress kind of put your work self away so that when you got out of the out

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of the car and walked into the house you were dad right um and so just really

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intentionally having those buffer times of like I'm turning off my work self I'm turning on my my partner self my parents

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self um which is much much harder with the modern couple because your phone is always there your computer might be in

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the next room um and so having these like buffer zones or buffer times um

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that allow you to transition into I'm I'm now being present with my family is

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so crucial yeah it's a huge point and um I just wanted to ask you about before we

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kind of move on a little bit here about the the points we're talking about when we're talking about primarily Mass

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masculine roles of like firefighters police officers armed services that's that's like a stressful

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job anyway but like inevitably at some point with all of those professions there's going to be like exposure to

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traumatic events and obviously like we can talk about trauma all day but you know the worst thing that you see or

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experience is going to be different to other people so like the worst thing that's happened to you is the worst thing that's happened to you right so

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whether that's like I get into a mild car crash or I'm in a car crash and like you know somebody dies you know like

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those two different people like that's like their that's their like their height I guess so when these individuals

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in these roles already in a stressful environment anyway having to be hyper alert As A Firefighter as a police

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officer Etc and then we have these experiences these traumas that happen where we are like we have all this

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training for sure to be able to like physically physically deal with these things and I don't know I'm not I'm not

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a police officer I've never gone through like the academy or Through Fire firefight training but I don't know if

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they help people train themselves not just with the physical aspect but to deal with the psychological emotional

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aspect that comes with like you know trying to save people and put out fires and deal with violence I'm sure there

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has to be a huge element of that now coming into practice but when you are

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coming home to your home environment and you have the added stress of just like that job anyway but then you've got like

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the traumas on top of that how do you see and how do you work with people who do have those like let's just say added

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extra stressful layers when they're coming home yeah and that is something that you

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know it it is such a hard shift especially because our modern world

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again like yes the firefighters First Responders um they do get exposed to trauma and so in order to be good at

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that job there is a level of distance that you do have to have and and

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compartmentalization right um and so that's kind of you know on a broad scale like trauma rewires your brain from

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seeking connection to seeking protection right so you got to protect yourself uh

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from connecting to all of the trauma that you see that would just be overwhelming right and so in order to

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come home and be open to connection there is a process of integration that

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has to happen right and so if you again like maybe on a regular day coming home from shift it's not that hard you get to

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just kind of okay let me you know process what I experienced today and then come back into my connection mode

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but on a day that it's you know much harder you had a traumatic event you had a very stressful event again kind of

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like you said our recognizing how much our bodies hold that stress and keep us

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in kind of a bracing mode right we're in kind of a protected Place uh because we

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just walk through something really dangerous really scary um and that's something also again there's the first

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responder and the you know physical danger community but it is really interesting in people that have I guess

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more like regular jobs the amount of stress in a desk job in a you know job

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that you wouldn't be exposed to physical danger can be just as high because our

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bodies don't differentiate between oh this is this kind of danger and oh this is this kind of danger our bodies just

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go into fight ORF flight mode we get the adrenaline dump and so regardless of what kind of job you have really kind of

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checking in with yourself am I bringing all of this stress and dumping it into my home or am I able to

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process regulate my body before I enter the home so I'm going from kind of pro

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protection mode where I'm all tense and I'm all buned up to opening back up

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being open to connection because that's really who I want to be in my home right

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beautifully said yeah and I would argue that perhaps those individuals who do work in an office space and who are

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there desk constantly um don't have the advantages of like the phys the benefits

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the mental health benefits that come with like physical activity training um you know that's you know exercising and

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being in the gym and training is like is a part of the job when you're a firefighter when you're basement Etc and you have that physical outlet that we

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know is so so beneficial and um you are kind of optimizing your body physically

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to to let's just say yeah work optimally whether you rather than you're just like in a in an office space inside not in a

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really physical position to be like you know really genetically optimizing yourself from a cellular level um so

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that's an interesting thing to think about as well and I was just thinking about um I often think about like out

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when we were you know hundreds of thousands of years ago when we were in small communities small cultures trauma is obviously not a new thing in 20124 we

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have been experiencing um trauma and Ma and that male role of like fighting Wars

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and hunting and you know being isolated and um you know losing loved ones would

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have been incredibly more frequent and common you know 100 thousand years ago so like trauma is not a new thing um and

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I wonder like what do what did what don't we have now that we would have had

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then uh to help us deal with those traumatic things that would have inevitably happened

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Community right because again like if you went out to a hunting trip um or you

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went out to war like you had a community you would process it right and so even

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for example like okay when the stakes are high and you need to you know get that animal to bring home to your family

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because you know your family's hungry and you missed that shot like that can be a very painful experience right the

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stakes can be so high but if you have a group of other Hunters who are like hey man it's okay we're not going to let

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your family starve like you know we got you we have the community we can talk about it I mean you look at indigenous

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cultures when the Warriors would come home there would be whole rituals yeah around telling the story you know a

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narrative talking about it what happened how did you you know because also

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narrative um therapy as a treatment for trauma is so like so powerful and

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impactful right and so that's the thing that we're missing is being able to talk

15:30

about trauma in a way that is supportive and productive that's gone I mean well

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it's it's here in the Therapeutic Community right in men's groups in support groups in trauma processing

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groups um but just as a kind of function of what we provide as a society that's

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missing yeah that that Brotherhood I think um I think maybe we'll talk about

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toxic masculinity and kind of like that means shortly but um I remember when I

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was probably about 20 29 and I was going on um I was just hanging out with a

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bunch of my buddies back in the UK and a couple and a couple of them wouldn't show up to like the the normal type of

16:15

events that we would hold kind of annually and it's because these people were like kind of like up sad and

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depressed and I remember one of my buddies saying to me that we're talking about like the the ever growing

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depression within like our not just our friend group but like within men in general and it was something that we

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didn't notice 10 years ago um when I was 20 so you know that's 20 years ago and I

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remember my friend saying to me that like for men's mental health they kind of just need to go on like one or two

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like stag parties a year and like just like really I don't want to use the word bro out but I'm going to use it because

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it's like relevant like group I do it when I go play golfing with my buddies we get silly say silly things like we're

16:56

egging each other on we're kind of being like kind of being like silly guys but it's really a massive like outlet for a

17:04

lot of people and I guess like when we're talking about hunter gatherers going out in in in groups of groups of

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men to go and hunt it would have been that communal factor that would have gotten through incredibly Harsh Times

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and I don't know if we have um a positive um let me

17:23

say a positive influence to to kind of do those things anymore I'm not sure I don't know what what that from your

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perspective what do you think you know it's really interesting because women never lost that right women have always

17:37

like had their women's groups and their book clubs and their you know community and you know girls have wine night and

17:42

girls go on girls trips and so I think the biggest thing that's changed is and

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well you know it's interesting because what you're saying is absolutely like guys trips are so important guys having

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big groups of male friends but unfortunately what I think think and again this you know just I don't know I

18:02

can't pull up a research study on this but what I've seen is sometimes maybe

18:08

the um like it becomes very surface level so then it becomes un like

18:15

unhealthy right and so it's not groups of men sitting around and like actually talking about like hey man I made it

18:22

here I'm actually really depressed like I'm struggling with my marriage it becomes we come together and we drink to

18:27

forget yeah um and then we make bad choices and then our wives are like you're never going on that again and

18:33

then we lose our community you know um and so that's the that's the piece of that that I think is like you know

18:39

absolutely men's like having male friendships and groups of men that that can actually show up for and support

18:46

each other and not just only focus on the fun and the and the silliness

18:51

because in our culture too I think well in a lot of cultures is the part of the

18:56

issue is the hyperfocused on just the positive right it's like we don't want to talk about the the negative we don't

19:03

want to talk about the hard stuff let's just focus on the good let's just focus on the high so then what happens when

19:08

people are like I'm not feeling like that so I guess I just won't go right and those are the people that need

19:13

Community the most but it feels even worse when you're the only one who's like does anyone want to have a deeper

19:20

conversation and and nobody does right yeah no that's that's that's so important and I think that just thinking

19:26

about my own experience again I think so I'm I'm 40 now and then when my the same groups of friends that I had I've got

19:32

kind of got six key key friends back in the UK when we get together it's a lot less frequent now because I live in live

19:38

in Canada and people are a bit more spaced out but when we do meet up like now like we actually get we get silly We

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Get Ridiculous like we did when we were 18 but we also like have much deeper in-depth conversations about like how we

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are what we're doing and about our family and obviously that comes with maturity and and age and I think going

19:57

transitioning from being being single to being married to being a parent maybe even being a a grandparent like these

20:03

are huge huge big um rights of Passage um in our lives and yeah the

20:09

conversations we would have when we were 30 wouldn't really have that deep meaningful conversation that's like a little a little bit a little bit deeper

20:16

but we have that now and I think that um with age and I think with um the kind of

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temperature of 2024 around men's mental health we're going into a bit more of a positive route around that so rather

20:28

than these silly boy strips just being that they and not just a an outlet for

20:34

that extra testosterone and extra energy that we do have that absolutely has to be like let loose otherwise the problems

20:41

are going to happen but also to actually get a little bit deeper with our with our with our brothers you know um I

20:47

think that's huge and I've moved from the UK to Europe to America back to Europe and to Canada and I've seen

20:55

people try and move to different countries and starting fresh and without

21:00

a team sport I've noticed people don't do that they I've I've got three friends who I can think of who have tried to

21:06

move like to different countries and they've always gone back home very quickly none of those people had a team

21:12

sport that they could very quickly go and Google and go Stockholm soccer club

21:18

and then very quickly find a football club go meet up with 20 other guys and

21:24

train with them get to know a few people slowly and then start like playing for a team I've done that everywhere I've gone

21:30

and I've immediately like made like 18 19 buddies and then three four really

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good friends yeah without question that's the reason how I've successfully

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been able to move from place to place with with' got knowing absolutely nobody

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very quickly putting myself into like a communal Brotherhood of of sport and

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that's why I think like team sports is a really really good good thing to be involved in so yeah what do you think

21:57

about that absolutely Lely 100% because again like that's such a um like that's

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something that in this modern world right people don't grow up Live and Die in their same towns with their same

22:10

communities anymore right and so the you know the positive is like you do have

22:16

the freedom to go anywhere and live anywhere like you've lived in how many different countries right um but the

22:22

downside of that is it is difficult to create a community from scratch as an adult so having an in like that I mean

22:29

that is so smart and this is also something that I love about the first responder and the veteran Community is

22:35

you could be in anywhere in the world my husband will like he's a veteran and a first responder literally anywhere in

22:41

the world he'll be like I think that guy is also a first responder and they can sit down and have a conversation and

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I'll be like you know how does this happen but but that Brotherhood that community that you know sense of um

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belonging is so crucial especially again for everybody but especially for men um

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where it is sometimes a little bit more difficult to like where do I even start to make the first move and find a community it's like having something

23:07

that you're like I enjoy this and I know there will be other guys who enjoy it and I can meet those guys and maybe we

23:12

can be friends yeah so crucial yeah it's an absolutely huge positive part of like

23:18

you know our hierarchy of needs as males and having that Community having that group having that solidarity that

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relationship and um you also see it with like with with gang C like the reason

23:29

gang culture is so prevalent and huge literally in every country on the planet is because it offers that in a NE in a

23:36

negative way um but you can see how people especially young people are drawn to that a quite unique special age

23:43

between like you know 13 and like 18 I'm sure we see the induction of um

23:49

individuals into gang cultures like we see that increase significantly during during that time so it's obviously a

23:56

clear phenomena that can be um that can be wrapped up positively with like kind

24:02

of the right conversations and and the right I guess education from from Young

24:08

ages and Role Models Etc um but I want to chat about masculinity a little bit

24:13

kind of bring that back uh and what do you think some of the more common misconceptions about masculinity what

24:20

are they you know it's interesting what immediately popped up for me is that Mas

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it is something that you do not something who you

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are and I think that's a big misconception right that you can perform

24:39

masculinity whereas masculinity is inh like having like being a masculine

24:46

person is inherent it's not performative it's

24:51

innate it's inate right and yet so many of the markers of masculinity that we've

24:57

kind of um attributed to well what is a man oh he's a guy with you know that

25:02

he's physically looks like this or he financially looks like that or that's a real man a guy that can blink um and so

25:10

it becomes this kind of performative masculinity which again like just from a psychology perspective is like the

25:16

internal locus of control right I am powerful I am who I am my identity

25:21

Belongs to Me versus it's external which other people get to Define like who I am

25:27

as the man do I have value as a man and that's where I see a lot of um like the

25:33

damaging messaging about masculinity um is like it is something that you do not not who you are if that

25:40

makes sense oh for sure and it's like when you look at it like like that which I think a lot of people do and our

25:46

culture breeds is that you you are either masculine or not which is which

25:51

is kind of silly because you know like it's certainly on a scale like you know you can you know I people have masculine

25:57

traits and they have feminine traits right like it's it's not like you have it or you don't so yeah I completely

26:03

agree with you um let's jump into toxic masculinity like what what what is that

26:09

and has that has that whole conversation because this new like there's no way we would have spoken about this 10 years

26:14

ago like what does that mean where do it come from and you know is it is it a

26:19

positive thing like this new term you know I feel

26:26

like it it it's tough because on one hand the

26:32

benefit is that it brought it like right front and center into the into the conversation right is like having such

26:39

an like inflammatory title like brought a lot of eyes on it um but the downside

26:45

is that it really I think the message got lost in the delivery

26:52

there right is that people now are conflating masculinity with

26:59

toxicity right whereas their like masculinity in and of itself is not

27:05

toxic maybe there is an expression of masculinity that can be toxic but masculinity in and of itself is not

27:12

toxic and I think that Nuance got lost in that label a little bit yeah it makes

27:18

sense to me that there would be traits of just being a human being that would

27:23

like Teeter over into just being like a not very good person whether that's like egotistical or angry or judgmental or

27:31

something like that but like I don't see the difference between that being just like negative personality traits and

27:36

masculinity I don't really see the I don't really see the blend of the two I feel like they're quite separate um I've

27:43

never really dived heavily into like the the origin of this new term and but I

27:51

just feel like throwing those two words together you can't like not create

27:56

negativity around just the masculinity when there's toxic right there totally totally and I think where it got lost

28:03

was we didn't have the counterbalance of what is healthy masculinity right right so all that got

28:12

put out there was toxic masculinity toxic masculinity which you know like

28:17

you said of course then people kind of Blended these two things together like oh that's the same thing but um no toxic

28:24

is the descriptor yeah and I feel like if you were to look at it would be

28:29

like masculinity toxic masculinity femininity

28:34

and and toxic femininity is there is there such a term as that like it can't be this simple linear path to no totally

28:42

and again like okay so for example um again just like you said are these human

28:48

traits yes and then when we you know uh people so for example being assertive

28:55

versus being aggressive right being confident versus being

29:00

arrogant right and so the reason why maybe it's put into the masculine bucket is that when you say like is confidence

29:07

a masculine or a feminine trait right and like what what is it and again these

29:12

are so kind of like you know arbitrary in some ways right is courage a

29:17

masculine or a feminine trait I mean it's a human trait for sure it's

29:22

arrogance of masculine or but I think that's part of the you know um some of the some of the traits that people want

29:29

to claim as masculine um and then the extreme uh expression of that or the

29:35

extreme negative expression of that which would be the same for femininity right so like being nurturing right it's

29:41

like yeah that's a feminine trait right well what is toxic femininity well being so nurturing to others that you neglect

29:48

yourself okay right yeah well we love to put things in boxes and categorize and put

29:55

ourselves in this reductionist thought pattern where we can EAS easily like create graphs and write on a chalk board

30:02

or a whiteboard um that yeah you could just like write masculinity femininity

30:07

and just like write all the characteristics when it clearly just doesn't work like that when we've just got like infinite personalities that

30:14

live in the world um and it's obviously a lot more complex than that so yeah it's our reductionist thinking and I'm

30:20

sure like a lot of philosophers and psychologists have worked very hard at writing books to create graphs to um to

30:27

make a visual of this but it clearly it just doesn't work like that yeah and it is really interesting right because this

30:33

is kind of where you know I I like to talk about like the spectrum of rigidity and Chaos right it's like one step from

30:41

either end is you know structure and creativity right but sometimes we get

30:48

too rigid with our structures become so rigid then sometimes with creativity it feels like chaos so then we want to kind

30:55

of Veer back to the other side and um because you know I mean I wrote a book that is very

31:01

structured I tried to put things into categories you know for efficiency's sake um but again you know with that

31:09

it's not the be all end all it's here's a structure to help guide you through this like very wide and wild forest of

31:20

relationships right yeah and you have to create you have to create that that system in order

31:26

for people to have thought-provoking ideas and kind of come to their own conclusion about these things like I

31:32

think that's that's vital that that we do that and we have these conversations and people obviously heavily differ in

31:39

their opinions about literally everything and it' be incredibly boring place if we if we didn't have that but I

31:46

just wonder like this whole toxic masculinity piece which is like everywhere and I'm sure if I wrote toxic

31:51

masculinity books into Amazon there'd be thousands of books like written about it um and podcasts and all this but like do

31:58

you think that this whole new conversation let's call it I don't know five five seven eight years old at a

32:05

stretch uh do you think this is actually breeding a culture of um emasculated

32:10

men um again I don't like know because

32:18

masculinity is like who you are right and so if anything what I like to I

32:24

don't really I don't personally like to use the term toxic masculinity because it you know gets so you know uh

32:31

confusing is like immature versus mature masculinity like that's kind of how I

32:38

like to think about it right and so you can't emasculate a man who is secure in

32:44

his masculinity like just you nobody can take that away from him sure right because that is who he is and so I think

32:53

that is maybe where U where where maybe there are more immature people people

32:58

immature men who are trying to perform masculinity feel like their masculinity their avenues for performing masculinity

33:05

are being styed because they can't perform it in the way that you know they

33:11

want to um whereas a really secure masculine mature man is like nobody can

33:16

take this away from me because it is who I am sure you know so yeah and it's not something you just like learn in a

33:23

seminar or in a book or something like that as we said like it's it's something in with within our biology and certainly

33:30

within our culture whether like we like it or not yeah yeah and I I I talk about

33:37

this often on the podcast but we don't have what we would have traditionally had is these rights of Passage as as

33:44

like young adults like 13 14 15 16 whatever like where these individuals

33:49

would go out into the forests or the jungle and they'd be out there for days or weeks and they'd have to use all the

33:55

skills that they'd learned and to come back when they come back they're they're a man and there's a ceremony that's a huge big thing they actually have it in

34:02

like Jewish cultures and certainly some like um other cultures as well still around the world but Western culture we

34:08

don't have that that's why we have these 30y old men still playing video games in their parents' basement because these

34:13

individuals have yet to become adults and they have yet to I want to say cultivate their masculinity because kind

34:21

of everything up until let's say 30 35 until you get married and have kids you're very much especially as a man and

34:27

you are like super selfish like I think like what do you think about that so

34:33

it's interesting because I was looking at this of like what is the Western Mal's induction into manhood

34:40

traditionally it's been War beautiful yeah you know and so that is also something that I would say is

34:47

kind of where you know in indigenous cultures or in the Jewish culture it's like you celebrate a man becoming a man

34:54

as like now you are going to mature into the father into the leader into the

34:59

member of the community that you know is going to be supported and loved whereas

35:04

in the western culture it's like congratulations you're a man here's a gun go get some trauma in you and then

35:10

come back you know and so that is something that yes we do have rights of Passage for young men in the western

35:16

culture and it's it's throwing them into trauma um and so that needs to change

35:22

and like yeah what do you think about the difference between throwing them into like wartime and then actually like

35:28

because there used to have been like mandated and there still is in many countri not not many countries at all in

35:34

a few countries they still have like mandated military time I know um in some European countries like you have to do

35:41

it at a certain age and you spend N9 months to 12 months away from home at

35:46

like 17 18 years of age in like you know not necessarily in war but you're going into an environment that is completely

35:53

new you are learning very quickly that you are not the center of the universe where we have like most men feel like

36:00

that for a very long periods of time and they're learning like these these survival skills and they're becoming

36:06

part of a group and I think there's also some countries where you kind of have to do the your

36:12

year before you're 25 for example but I think that I think that there's a some

36:18

many positives that can come from like going not necessarily going into actual

36:23

War but like going into like a let's just say heavy disciplined environment

36:29

where you would come back with a unique set of skills and you've actually been

36:35

pushed out of your comfort zone whether you like it or not um and you've had to

36:41

become part of something which a lot of people never really get the opportunity

36:47

to do unless they like you know find the right partner and they have kids because

36:52

if you have kids in in the right circumstances you your priority list you

36:57

go you go from number one to like down at the bottom if you're a responsible parent in my opinion and that's a huge

37:05

huge right of passage I was very I think for myself when I was 30 years old I was

37:10

I I I went through that when I like realized what I wanted to do I wanted to study nutrition and I wanted to help

37:16

people and then I studied nutrition and then I got married and then I had kids and I grew up properly between 30 and

37:23

like 33 that's when I grew up and everything kind of before that was it was amazing it was fun but I was just

37:29

like I was just like this innately selfish person not like I was like going around being an a-hole but like it was

37:36

just it was kind of like me against the world I guess um yeah what do you think about that I've just said a lot of stuff

37:42

sorry no absolutely and you know I think this is where um you know I wish right

37:49

in a in a perfect world it would be yes that um you know 18yar olds teenagers

37:55

whatever would have the opportunity to be part of something bigger than themselves so whether that's going to

38:02

you know sign up for the National Guard or going through Boot Camp or again this

38:07

is part of the difficulty in the conversation of like you know so okay well men just have to go to war and then

38:13

they just always have to be sacrificing themselves it's like well you know so you know equality and that but also you

38:20

know being some being part of something bigger than yourself so maybe it's a year of volunteer work maybe it's a year

38:26

of being you know being a park ranger maybe it's a year of volunteering with the Peace Corp maybe it's a year of yeah

38:33

you know building schools volunteering Habitat for Humanity again just connecting like you said because it

38:39

really is you know especially in the west such an individualistic culture right so there's nothing wrong with

38:45

putting yourself first because like literally that's your job right because nobody else is telling you what to do so

38:51

you better figure it out but then making that shift like you said and I talk about it in the very last chapter of my

38:56

book of you know that's the hardest shift I see in modern couples is navigating the shift from I am at the

39:03

Center of My Universe to now we are co-creating something that always has to be bigger than us yeah that's so hard

39:11

especially when you're raised in such an individualistic way and so I totally agree with you of having giving

39:16

teenagers or you know whatever age the opportunity to say and now you're going to learn to be part of something bigger

39:23

than yourself so that when you do go out into the world and start looking for a marriage partner you know how to put

39:29

something above yourself right not the other person but your marriage your family what's going to actually help

39:35

them Thrive um because it does have to be bigger than both of you yeah we we

39:40

don't do brilliantly as a culture now of like dealing with significant change

39:46

very well whether that's like becoming married and moving in or having having a child like I think that it's difficult I

39:53

think a lot of people kind of get through it but a lot of people like do and they self- sabotage with like

39:59

cheating or drinking or like a lot of these other things are just coping mechanisms to deal with the fact that I

40:06

we're I'm stepping into a phase of my life that is unfamiliar it is uncommon it is unnatural for me because my past

40:13

is not my my my future is not my past where it's predictable and and

40:18

comfortable I'm having to step into this new role and yeah it's it's a very it could be a very tricky and and dark

40:25

place for a lot of people yeah and this is where I always want to emphasize

40:30

especially to men right is you know you can be a good man and not have the

40:36

skills to be a good partner and that doesn't make you a bad man it makes you

40:42

it means that you have some learning to do and so that is something else that I've I've found a lot of men have

40:49

struggled with like I'm not making my wife happy I don't know how to parent very well I feel like you know am I a

40:56

good man it's like yes you can be a great person and not have the skills to be a great partner and that's okay

41:02

because you can learn skills to be a great partner being a good person is

41:07

Baseline like what we all strive for being a good partner is next level

41:13

skill absolutely and when you do find that like right partner I know that my

41:18

my wife has taught me so much about trust and openness and vulnerability and generosity like I think that that

41:24

finding that partner to balance yourself out I think that a a key evolutionary process that we've had like throughout

41:30

the whole of human existence that has helped young men turn into adults to

41:36

change their um change their perception of you know egotistical nature I guess

41:41

and becoming part of becoming part of something that's bigger than themselves and getting through that like that kind

41:47

of dangerous Forest of navigating that that that inevitable change um yeah it's

41:53

a wonderful thing to have to do that with a partner and you know you balance each other out and you yeah you go

41:58

through it together it's it's actually quite it's a beautiful thing um I could talk to you for hours about so many

42:04

different things when I know we're on a little bit of a time schedule here and I we've got to talk about your book um

42:09

strong a relationship Field Guide for the modern man which addresses the unique challenges faced by men in

42:15

today's society can you talk us through a little bit about that like why did you write the book and who it's for yeah so

42:21

I wrote the book um so strong is the six pillars of a healthy relationship you know again and I wanted to distill

42:28

things down into a simple kind of structure that I could use with my couples um and the reason I wrote the

42:34

book for men is because there's a lot of books out there already for women a lot of therapy is already directed towards

42:40

women speaking women's language I wanted to write a book for men so that they could feel a little bit more empowered

42:45

that again these are skills you can learn these are tools there are tips um that you know can give you something

42:52

that you can kind of hold on to in practice so yeah that's why I wrote the book for men and yeah beautiful yeah I I

43:01

I have to kind of touch on the um the aspect that's huge when it comes to

43:06

stress or anxiety or depression or mental health within men um I've know

43:12

I've experienced it but like it's very common for a lot of people to become like chronically nutrient deficient and

43:19

when you are chronically nutrient deficient your brain is seriously struggling to manufacture the necessary

43:26

chemicals to make you feel good and give you energy into all of these things the brain and the body can only like produce

43:34

uh the materials for those like certain neurotransmitters depending on like the nutrition and food that you give it so

43:40

I've seen within my own personal experience and having the the honor to work with true hope Canada and be a part

43:47

of their like micronutrient team the fact that so many men who end up like

43:52

laying down their egotistical ways and saying like they actually want to address things going on for them that's

44:00

happening internally but seriously affecting their external world with their Partners relationships job Etc and

44:08

when individuals start actually providing their stressed bodies with the right nutrition it's quite remarkable

44:15

how quickly we see like in sometimes in days how people's brains start to shift a little bit they start um coming out of

44:22

that sympathetic neurological pathway into more of a rest and digest and they can

44:28

sit and listen and be with their partners and they can get down and play with their children rather than the

44:33

anxiety of like what's going on and money and work like coming on it gives giving people the capacity and that

44:40

space to be able to like think differently feel differently and and have different behaviors so yeah I have

44:46

to kind of like throw that piece in there like you know we have we have the world world's most researched

44:52

micronutrient product available to to people and we see such phenomenal things happen with um with men's mental health

44:59

and there's an incredible um Network here um in Canada of people using these

45:06

products with with their psychiatrists with their counselors and and getting getting better very quickly and giving

45:13

people the space to do all the other things that we know is so important for mental health whether that's exercise uh

45:19

being within communities rather than isolating yourself and cooking good foods Etc yeah absolutely I have a a and

45:27

you bring up a really important Point too is that that's kind of in the first chapter of my book about being stable

45:34

within yourself right what do you need to be at your best operating self like are you drinking enough water are you

45:39

sleeping enough are you taking care of your mental health are you taking your macronutrients your micronutrients um

45:45

and then at the very end of the book I have what's what I call the pizza of Wellness I have like these eight different slices of you know where are

45:54

you taking care of yourself in all these different are areas and you know again just it's not just oh I go to the gym

46:00

you know three times a week it's like great and there are so many other ways that you can take care of yourself so

46:06

that you are operating at your highest capacity because again also I see this a lot with so many men where they're like

46:12

yeah I would set myself on fire to keep my family warm and it's like yeah but you also are a person who is deserving

46:19

of care and nurturing and you know all of the good things that you want to give

46:24

to others you know you have to give that to yourself first yeah there's so many things we can

46:29

do that are like cheap easy foundational whether it's food nutrition supplementation breath exercise cold

46:37

water exposure there's so many options for people that like are not that expensive and very easy to just throw

46:42

into your daily routine we just need to be able to learn what those things are create the space speak to your spouse

46:49

speak to your kids about creating the environment for you to be able to do these things because you're GNA be a better partner you're gonna be a better

46:55

person you're gonna be a better dad and um yeah it's it's hugely hugely vital to take care of that foundational

47:01

piece before you can start building the the house that will create the person I

47:07

guess you want to become absolutely yeah beautiful well Crystal this has been amazing thank you so much for coming on

47:14

to the show and talk I had so many other questions but all every time the best podcasts we have we just like go all

47:20

over the place and we have these really like organic conversations and that's that's kind of what we really want here

47:25

on on this podcast so thank you so much for coming on can you just let us know where people can learn more about you

47:32

maybe order the book and yeah and connect yeah so um if you want to find me online I'm on Instagram at ATX

47:39

therapist so Austin Texas ATX therapist um and then you can order my book on

47:45

Amazon it's on Audible as well I always want to make things accessible um and then my website is just strong.

47:53

love love it that's awesome Crystal again thank you so much for coming to the show and spending your time with us

47:59

and your beautiful thoughts I really appreciate it yeah thank you so much this is wonderful wonderful well that is

48:06

it for this episode of True Hope cast the official podcast of true hope Canada if you want to connect with Crystal or

48:12

get a hold of a b or learn more about her work I'll leave links in the show notes for you to easily navigate that

48:17

you can leave us a review on iTunes if you're fancy it or you can also give us a star review on Spotify it certainly

48:22

helps but that's it for this week we'll see you soon

48:28

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