0:00

so there's two kind of basic ways of parenting when there's a lot of

0:05

parenting experts and there's actually punishment is one way and discipline is the second way punishment is based on

0:12

how do I control my child to make them turn out the way I want them to how do I

0:18

control so do I use um shaming fear intimidation what do I do to control

0:24

them so it's really about the parent having control so discipline is based on

0:30

on teaching and guiding Your Child So how do I teach them what disciple

0:36

discipline comes from disciple so how do I teach and guide how do I influence my

0:43

children and they're going to actually turn out the way what's best for them so

0:48

we give much more freedom to kids in terms of making choices for their lives

1:00

greetings hello good day wherever you are in the world thank you so much for joining trueu hope Cy official podcast

1:05

of trueu Hope Canada if you're not familiar with trup Canada we are a mind and body based supplement company that

1:11

is dedicated first and foremost to promoting brain and body Health through non-invasive nutritional means for more

1:17

information about us you can easily visit trueu hope canada.com if you're listening on iTunes

1:23

please leave us a review it's very very helpful today I welcome family happiness

1:28

expert and parenting coach coach Cynthia Klein to the show today I welcome family happiness

1:35

expert and parenting coach Cynthia Klein to the show Cynthia Klein's passion is to create well Peace by creating peace

1:42

within each family as the author of Ally parenting she has created a unique

1:47

formula for parents to transform conflict into cooperation for more than 29 years she has spoken in person at

1:55

hundreds of schools and organizations successfully coached parents of 5 to 25-year-olds and taught numerous online

2:02

courses based on her highly effective Ally parenting approach she earned her child psychology degree at UC Berkeley

2:08

taught Elementary School and is certified in adult education today we're going to discuss some of the common

2:14

challenges that parents have and how cultivating relationships in the family is absolutely essential enjoy the show

2:22

all right hello Cynthia welcome to True H Hope cast really appreciate you coming on today and giving us your time um how

2:30

are you it's great great to be here and lovely to meet you and get to know you

2:35

better Simon wonderful why not as an intro just let us know who you are and what is it

2:43

that you do so I'm Cynthia kleene and for the

2:49

last 28 years I have worked with parents of five to 25 year-olds who are they're

2:56

not happy with the relationship that they're having right now with their kids like maybe they're not communicating

3:02

well maybe they're the kids they feel like the kids aren't cooperating or they don't like how they're interacting they

3:09

don't like what's coming out of their mouth and what they're thinking saying and doing and so I am an educator I got

3:16

my degree in child psychology I went on to be a school teacher so I am not a

3:22

therapist I am somebody who teach specific skills on language and thought

3:28

that will actually Shi shift their relationship so they can achieve what they're hoping to achieve and which is

3:35

always a a more connected relationship to their kids wonderful why the why that age

3:42

group why five to 25 well I work a lot on language so

3:49

young kids they aren't as capable to do the problem solving that I like to

3:54

teach um and then up to 25 it's because it's there's still they might be they

4:01

might be in college they might be at home they might be away there's still a real opportunity to make some shifts in

4:09

relationships I mean it's more challenging when you've got someone who's 2122 if you have negative patterns

4:14

have gone on but it's still possible and I wanted I want parents to know that

4:19

they don't have to like okay I you know they're gone they're out of the house there's nothing I can do but I want them

4:24

to know that there is some changes that they can still make they can still learn better Communications

4:31

skills yeah I think that's very important because you know as a as a

4:36

child you will have multiple different relationships with your with your parents whether that's your mom or your

4:41

dad or both of them as a unit um obviously as you grow up and you're a young child and then you start you know

4:46

you're a teenager and then you're an adult and then you start having your own kids like obviously you change as an individual and you know you go through

4:53

multiple identities and things change so therefore your relationship with yourself your relationship with your

4:59

friends your family your partner like everything's going to evolve and change so yeah I don't see why we can't always

5:05

be looking to do some work and be aware of like how we are communicating with each other so yeah it makes sense that

5:11

you would work with those older um the parents of older children as well I

5:18

think that's obviously very important what um yes what do you what

5:24

do you think has led us into a position where we actually need professional psychological support for parenting

5:31

obviously that wasn't always available um so what do you think I mean it's great that it is it's a wonderful that we've got so many different therapies

5:37

available for so many different things but what do you think has led us into the position that we require something like

5:46

that um so first of all I when I work with parents I make sure that they

5:53

understand that I'm I'm a teacher so I'm an educator so there's no um there's

5:59

nothing wrong with them psychologically so if there is if they feel like they

6:05

have their own issues deep issues from when they were younger they need to deal with I pass those on to somebody else um

6:13

or I work a lot with couples it I don't have to but primarily I work with couples so two people together coming

6:20

together and they come in from different backgrounds um and if they need marriage

6:27

counseling then I pass them on with somebody else so I think since the beginning of time I think parents have

6:34

been trying to basically keep their children alive like that's been the fundamental concern what do I do to keep

6:41

them alive um it wasn't at all based on what is the relationship like between me

6:47

and my kids that's a very New Concept like thinking of how are they feeling

6:56

how are they thinking how do I connect with them that is is you know that's maybe 50 60 years so very new so if you

7:04

have a new goal you're trying to reach then you need to new do new strategies

7:11

to reach that goal so what comes up all the time is parents a lot of parents I

7:18

work with they're really wanting to change the relationship with their kids and they um old stuff comes up for them

7:28

that they how they were parented that they didn't like maybe shaming blaming shaming

7:34

blaming humiliation um making kids feel bad to do better punishment has been a role

7:41

model since the beginning of time okay and that does not build a relationship

7:47

it might build one based on fear and intimidation and obedience but when parents are saying I I want something

7:54

more right I want my kids to talk to me when they have problems

8:00

how do I create a an environment where they can do that so then you can't take the old strategies the old strategies

8:07

got a certain result but if you want a new result you have to learn new skills

8:12

so that's why it's like nothing's wrong with parents it's they're saying I want

8:18

a different outcome so I need to learn new skills to get that outcome it's very

8:25

it's very basic and I I really implore parents to not feel like they're a bad

8:30

parent or they're supposed to know you only know what you've learned right there's there's no

8:37

innately you you don't innately know how to listen you don't in you know you only

8:44

know how you were raised and so parents I feel really need to let go of this

8:49

guilt or like if I love my child uh that's enough or I should know how to

8:56

listen or and I really want parents to get rid of that it's all skill-based

9:01

because that's always what it was right it was always the you know the mother

9:06

father teaching the kids how to parent and all a sudden you're saying you know what I want a different outcome so I

9:13

have to go I go to an expert which is what I am on really I can really hear

9:21

from what they tell me what they're saying and doing I can pick up on where they're um creating um a relationship

9:30

that isn't going to turn out the way they want to so an expert like myself can really hear that hear the language

9:37

and then say okay let's shift your thinking you're actually very adversarial let's shift your thinking

9:43

towards your kids and let's change away from you feeling like a victim and let's

9:49

have new language and then you're going to get a different response from your kids so it's education that's

9:56

all interesting so I mean it's it sounds like when you when you're discussing

10:02

obviously you've got the experience with parents coming in and speaking with you that they do want something new they do

10:07

want something different rather than their past experiences because I think maybe what we've gotten now is we've got

10:14

we've had generation after generation after generation of parenting in a very particular way quite discipline based um

10:22

and as you say parents now want more because we can take care of the

10:29

survival stuff of keeping those children alive a bit easier these days it's obviously not for not for everybody but

10:36

most people can provide food can provide shelter can provide warmth and protection so yeah that that urging for

10:43

something new and for something deeper and I like to think that we we as a society are getting slightly better at

10:50

being open to being vulnerable and being open to our emotions a little bit better and being able to communicate how that's

10:57

actually working I feel that there's there's obviously a whole genre of books and individuals out there who are doing

11:02

a lot of that work and when those individuals get to a certain age where they become aware of maybe their past

11:09

patterns aren't serving them in the best possible way and they want to do some self-work to develop themselves I think

11:15

that's wonderful and to have those Outlets available for people is great so going back in like going back in

11:22

those generations and those histories what do you think the um what's the source of this like really like

11:28

discipline-based punishment type of parenting where does

11:33

this kind of like come from because we're clearly breaking through it right now right so um let me uh clarify

11:41

language and definition of words so that people know you know people who are listening know how I'm talking about it

11:49

so there's um two kind of basic ways of parenting when there's a lot of

11:55

parenting experts and there's actually punishment is one way and discipline is the second way okay so it's two

12:03

different Avenues two ways of thinking so punishment is based on how do I

12:09

control my child to make them turn out the way I want them

12:14

to how do I control so do I use um shaming fear intimidation what do I do

12:21

to control them so it's really about the parent having control so discipline is based on teach

12:29

teaching and guiding Your Child So how do I teach them what disciple discipline

12:35

comes from disciple so how do I teach and guide how do I influence my children

12:42

and they're going to actually turn out the way what's best for them so we give

12:47

much more freedom to kids in terms of making choices for their lives then we do with punishment

12:54

punishment is parents are the boss they know what's best and they're going to

13:00

use whatever means they they want to to try to get the outcome they want for

13:06

their child but it's discipline it's a different mindset so when you were talking about this whole thing like from

13:12

the 50s 60s the psychology the introspection like that's think of how

13:18

long human beings have been here and how new that is like that's really new to be

13:25

self-reflecting I mean you see all these movies and plays of the olden times they weren't sitting around and

13:30

self-reflecting you know so now parents are thinking okay um what can I do

13:38

differently to get a different result from my child but what's happening there's this huge conflict because the

13:46

old punishment style keeps coming up because that's what's been around for so

13:52

long and that's where parents go when they're upset and angry they resort to

13:58

all right if you don't do this right now then you know that's that's a punishment right if you don't that's like a threat

14:05

um they resort to that because that's because kind of like a lower life

14:10

Condition it's coming out from anger and and control and they are like I don't

14:15

want to do that you know however what's happening is to learn how to set

14:22

guidelines and rules which you have to do in a way that isn't shaming is very

14:28

difficult for parents to learn like uh uh for example an after then approach

14:34

which is the work before play it's a one of my favorites like my daughter who's now um a young woman married is the only

14:41

way I'd get her to do the like let's say clean the bathroom let's say she wanted

14:47

to go to a friend's house she's a teenager and I would think okay what hasn't she done yet okay so at the

14:53

moment she's wanting to to to go I'd say oh oh she hasn't cleaned the bathroom

14:59

after you clean the bathroom then you can go of course you'd complain wait wait a minute all my friends are getting

15:05

together now why you know why didn't you tell me sooner so as a disciplinarian I

15:11

ignore all of that stuff because she's trying to engage me into an argument a

15:18

parent in a punishment mindset would defend themselves and they would stay engaged instead I just say um after the

15:25

bathroom then you can go but you should have told me sooner you know another argument bathroom

15:31

first and it always worked like so you see how I'm I'm not getting engage with

15:37

making her feel bad you know I what could I have said right what would have been a great thing to say to make her

15:43

feel bad if you want you ex

15:49

yeah yeah yeah if you yeah if you yeah if you don't do the bathroom you're not going to

15:54

go yeah and then also if you had done it sooner like don't blame me it's not my

16:00

fault you didn't do it if you had done it earlier then you can go off with your friends see so parents get into all this

16:07

garbage that hurts the relationship it really hurts it and

16:12

there's no need for it so that's one of the big things I teach parents how to be when you're having to set a guideline

16:18

you you get rid of all that shaming stuff you just stick to the point and you know what it is amazing how it works

16:26

so I wrote this up this story this particular one yeah it's and so has that's the thing

16:31

you don't it's the Judgment there's so much judgment goes on you're not good

16:37

enough you should have oh I really work with parents on getting rid of the you should you should you need to I want you

16:43

to why didn't you all of that hurts relationships so when parents learn

16:49

about that like oh my gosh I mean I can work on not saying these few words to

16:57

start out and and and I'm going to get a different response like isn't that

17:03

Simple Simon I mean isn't like oh okay okay I'm not going to say if you don't

17:08

I'm not GNA say why didn't you I'm not gonna say how many times do

17:14

I have to tell you and instead I'm G to replace it with a few simple things so that's what I love doing it's like

17:20

parents are like oh my gosh it's not it's not like I'm an awful parent it's just that I don't have the skills that's

17:27

all excited yeah no I I I understand the use of language is is is beautiful and it

17:34

can be implemented in such a powerful way to build Bridges and yeah I have a

17:40

lot of sympathy especially for parents who have got like the young kids you know the one two three fours and they've basically been tired

17:48

and sleep deprived for you know a few years and being able to have the um

17:53

ability to communicate without that emotional aspect and immediately go into

17:58

those should have and you must do and stuff like that I I I totally understand

18:03

you know I've got my own personal experience with that it's very difficult to do but it's amazing that um parents

18:09

who come and see you finally have the um awareness and the ability and and the

18:15

time to start thinking in a different way and they've obviously always had those the they've always had the

18:22

potential to understand your practice and your theory right but being able to

18:28

to put it into practice is not so easy but being able to work with you and learn and and have those skill sets is

18:33

is just wonderful I've got a question on what do your the majority of the

18:39

people who the majority of the parents who come and see you what's their main

18:44

goal I'm sure they've got a lot of like you know they come in and you have this initial conversation and they tell you

18:50

the whole story but like I suppose it comes down there there's one big reason why they've made this appointment with

18:56

you and what are the more common

19:01

reasons um they're arguing with their kids too much is a big reason and they

19:08

feel really bad about it my kid argues about everything you know I I say could

19:16

you please help me unload the dishwasher and they just argue it or I'm I say it's

19:23

time to get off the the tablet and they argue with me um so that that that sense

19:29

of wanting to set limits um that are followed seems to be

19:36

the most the most urgent they come in for and then the secondary thing is they

19:45

really want to have a better relationship they really want to feel

19:51

better with their kids they want their kids to tell them more about their life

19:56

and their problems they want to have a teenager when they leave the house or

20:02

young adult that's going to actually want to still see them and will call them and

20:07

share and and ask for support that's that's like that and that

20:15

there you know that wasn't there isn't that beautiful it's like okay and and so

20:20

the thing is the two work hand in hand it's like learning the language so

20:26

you're not hurting the relationship ship so you're not using shaming blaming humiliation so learning how to set

20:33

directives where you're not hurting it then I teach how to listen and respond

20:40

when you're either doing collaborative problem solving or it's the child's problem to solve how you do that and

20:49

when they're teenagers how you manage the frustration you feel inside when

20:54

they're doing stuff that you're going you oh my god what are they doing so

21:02

learning how to have unconditional love is a tough thing I try to teach as

21:08

well does how how much does happiness come into it you know like I think

21:14

obviously a lot of parents they just want to be they want to be happy with themselves they want their kids to be

21:20

happy and they also want the communication and relationship to be happy as well there's a lot of layers

21:26

there there's a lot of individuals that need to do need to do some do some work so it's

21:31

like yeah like how how does happiness come into all of this I think one of the things that's

21:38

important to realize is that problems lead to happiness that having

21:46

challenges and knowing how to overcome them and getting the support to get through hard

21:54

feelings and difficulties that that is really happiness that ability to do that

22:02

that's what builds this solid foundation of okay I come on life because life is

22:08

full of problems I can handle it I've got my parents to support me I mean you

22:15

think I think about those um people who were well-known professional athletes or whatever almost always they always say

22:23

my parent I had a parent and adult who really supported me don't they like when you think think about it they're they

22:29

don't say oh I did it on their my own and so I think that's to me for my

22:36

life is like it happiness isn't like oh having fun so if parents think that I

22:43

need to please my child to make them happy I want to help them shift that

22:48

that's not I mean that's um very um transitory happiness right it just comes

22:54

and goes if you get something but the fundamentally build the relationship ship where you feel um at home I'm loved

23:03

and I'm respected like you know I this a safe

23:09

place for me to me that you know that's happiness and then you because when you

23:15

have that Foundation then you can go out and enjoy you know things fleeting things that make a person happy so I

23:22

really want to help parents know how to build that Bond I worked very hard at it and I have that with my daughter uh

23:29

because that was my big mission was like you know I want to know how to be a

23:36

parent and she had some major challenges happen to her how can I be a parent that

23:42

she feels can come to her and so I've had many cards she wrote me as she was growing up saying thank you for being

23:49

there during the mountains and valleys during the hard times in the easy times that's that's what I treasure those are

23:56

the cards I keep from my daughter that I was there for her so I don't know to me that's great happiness like somebody you

24:03

know I'm helping somebody else and I know I have the skills to know how to do that especially with my daughter and my

24:09

husband who've been married for long time and that's not just an incredible achievement for you but you're obviously

24:15

passing on wisdom and a skill set to another human being who is going to um

24:22

be a certain way in the world and and pass pass that on that's great

24:29

yeah yeah and we talk she knows about like I communication blocks is one of the things I teach and she knows all

24:35

about those and so she's she you know wants us they moved recently and she wants us to move down there to be near

24:43

her so that's a that's a high achievement right wow that's the plan I'm you know

24:49

come on Mom yeah she should the opposite of that so you've done something right that's

24:54

for sure yeah yeah I've work I've worked and so here's the thing is my mother didn't

25:00

know how to listen or support I mean she was born in the 20s so she didn't know

25:05

and I remember as a teenager um I was on bed crying because I had another fight

25:10

with her and I can remember hearing her out in the kitchen talking to my dad as

25:16

though nothing had happened like I was devastated and she acted as though it

25:21

didn't matter because that was her whole upbringing and I was like determined

25:27

like I don't want that you know if I have a teenage daughter I want something different and so everything I teach

25:33

parents I had to learn it wasn't like oh I had this great mother who knew how to

25:40

do this and I learned it it's like everything I teach I teach parents what

25:46

I had to change myself like I really had to do a lot of deep change of my

25:51

thoughts um learn new language learn a whole new skill set so that's why I feel

25:56

very confident that when people are determined I want to change I'm going to take responsibility for changing the

26:03

relationship with my child I'm not going to say they need to change first because when you change they change that I can

26:09

teach them because I learned it and you know there's no reason anybody else count it's not easy you know you have to

26:16

change patterns you have to keep your mouth shut at times when you want to say things however I've worked with some

26:22

many parents hundreds of parents who just are like feel so much happier when they change and they feel know better

26:28

about what's coming out of their mouth right rather than this negativity certainly let's talk about

26:35

those communication blocks because they they're probably excuse me they're probably some of the key

26:41

setbacks um that you know hold families back and they probably creep up without

26:46

a lot of parents really knowing that they're they putting up these massive barricades between themselves and their

26:51

kids so can you talk a little bit more about um about that please yeah and um my daughter

26:59

encouraged me to watch this movie called ladybird because it's about a teenage

27:04

girl and her mother and so if anyone wants to see in play communication

27:10

blocks you watch the movie ladybird um because as I was I was just watching it

27:16

yesterday I was watching it I was like cringing because what what when a person

27:23

is or kids or anyone is expressing some thoughts like you know I I let's say you have a teenager and they're saying you

27:29

know I'm not sure where I you know where I should go to school or I don't know

27:35

what I should study so especially when a person's brought out something or a

27:40

friend saying you know I'm having this problem with um this person I work with

27:45

or a child saying I can't can't do this homework it's too hard if it's so if

27:51

it's something that somebody's expressing that's uh usually it's done when they're a

27:56

challenged and so how we respond determines whether they keep talking or

28:04

whether they shut down and the gift that we can give a

28:09

person I think is when we support a person with a sense of confidence in

28:15

their brain that they they they can kind of figure things out when we listen in a

28:21

way that makes them feel that safe and secure then what happens is they can

28:27

they're pre prefrontal cortex the reasoning part of their brain can gradually engage more let's say they're

28:32

upset and they get upset oh I can't do this this is too hard or my boss is awful or you know I just don't know what

28:39

to do is when you listen in a way that allows them to keep expressing those

28:46

emotions from the lyic system then gradually they'll be able to

28:51

engage their thinking part of their brain the prefrontal cortex so that's the important uh part of the block is we

28:59

have to let the emotions out first the emotional part of the brain has to be expressed because as long as we're

29:04

emotional state we can't think right I mean and everybody knows

29:09

that right when you're upset you you you know and you make decisions it's not the best decision so the idea of a

29:17

communication block is or not blocking is to is to think how do I

29:26

respond to my child's so they will keep talking versus how am I responding now

29:32

that would make them stop talking so um child says okay I don't know I don't

29:38

know where to go to school I don't know what to study and the parent says well you know you're really good at math I

29:45

think you should do that so that is all of a sudden the parent giving advice

29:52

which is one of the communication blocks unwanted advice so the the teenagers is like like like okay well you you know

29:59

what's best you're you know how can how can they talk anymore because they feel shut down and they feel hurt because

30:07

you're acting as though you know more about their life than they know and the parent thinks they're

30:13

helping right like that's the intent often is we

30:19

think we're helping but in that case it shut them down from Talking even let's

30:25

say and I love talking about it with adults because it deals with adults as well so your friend says you know I I

30:32

just can't stand my boss you know there this they're just so difficult to work

30:38

with and let's say you say yeah you know you've said that before and and maybe you don't want to

30:44

work there anymore you know maybe you really need to be in a better job than

30:50

that so this again is kind of it's like I know more what you should do than you

30:56

know and how would that make you feel if I said that to you Simon if I just started telling you what you should

31:03

do yeah it's quite an invasive proposition because obviously there's so

31:09

much that goes into that whole situation that I'm experiencing there's a psychological element there's an

31:15

emotional element you know it's it's it's very very deep and I've experiencing it all with my senses all

31:22

of the time and then to have a very quick callous response like that would

31:27

be you know not are you really listening to me it's like what's going on here yeah yeah and I'm not being helpful

31:35

so what would be helpful if I respond in ways to allow you to keep talking so

31:41

that you can get those big feelings out and then you can come up with your

31:47

decisions so this is very clearly I need to be a supporter and so it'd be better

31:53

response if I was like oh wow wow that's

32:00

hard that's it simple yeah yeah and so it's it's there's other

32:08

things like asking questions that feel like interrogation is another way of shutting kids down like even kids coming

32:16

home from school and the parent says how was

32:21

school that can feel like an interrogation even the kid says hi hi

32:27

Dad hi Mom oh how was school fine and I get parents who say this my

32:34

kid won't talk to me about school the reason probably is the underlying

32:39

message of a question can feel like you've done something wrong or whatever you're going

32:46

to say I'm going to tell you it needs to be different or I'm going to start asking more questions so fundamentally a

32:52

question becomes an interrogation and so interes kid doesn't

32:57

want want to talk to because that's a big thing that I get from parents my kid won't talk to me well it's like okay

33:02

let's look at how do you what do you say when they do tell you right um so when I

33:09

started learning about this I first learned about this my very first parenting education training program I

33:14

had from a man named Michael Popkin and I used several of his his viewpoints in

33:20

my book and he said fine you can do that and it was so exciting to think of oh so

33:27

so um another thing not to say when somebody's expressing their own

33:33

challenges is to talk about myself a Meo ism is a very common thing for parents

33:39

to do it's like the child says you know this this uh I'm just not very good at

33:44

English this is awful and the parent says you know I really struggled when I was your age with English

33:52

now that may or may not be a block so if the child if the parent says

33:59

I really struggle too and the child says you did what

34:05

happened then it's not a block you see how the child is still kind of trying to

34:10

express If the child says it's different now you don't know what you're talking about leave me

34:16

alone then that has become a

34:21

block yeah so let me tell one more yeah okay no sorry please carry let me just

34:29

yeah plating is a big one so sometimes there's parents who like to be tell kids

34:34

what to do I know best and I'm going to give you advice and that shuts them down and then you have a other parents who

34:41

like want to make their child feel better which is called plating so if the

34:47

child says you know I I'm not getting along with Nikki you know she's not

34:53

calling me at all she's not texting me and I don't know what to do and then the

34:59

let's say it's to the mom mom says Oh goodie you know you know um you know honey it'll be okay don't worry about it

35:07

you you're just such a wonderful girl you've got other friends so mom's intention was to make

35:15

her feel better CU I don't want to see see my baby you know struggling but the

35:21

girl is left there going right like what what what my Fe

35:27

not listened to you're not listening to me what about my friend Nikki you know they feel really deflated and that's

35:34

another way of doing of a communication block W yeah some really strong examples

35:41

there that's for sure yeah how just how we uh how we speak and how we hold our

35:46

body language when we're speaking with anyone to be honest it's very very can

35:52

be very very powerful it can also be very very damning to to the relationship as well I know I've become a better husband because I I listen a lot better

35:59

and you know I if if say one of my buddies who I grew up with is having a conversation with me and asking my

36:06

advice or venting or whatever my Approach would be very very different with with my wife you know we we when

36:12

we're aware and we learn and we you know we can know how different people communicate and we know we're um

36:18

sensitive to that but there's certainly skills along the way that we should be

36:23

should be developing especially as we know you you got a partner of a certain amount of years and you have kids and

36:30

just so many different things come into it um how how do parents how when is it

36:37

like when do we know when to listen when to tell when to collaborate and when to

36:42

give like freedom of choice I mean this that's a that's an interesting question in regards to yeah when do we use which

36:51

skill right and and I think that it's a fluid thing and I mean I certainly kept

36:58

learning and sometimes I made mistakes and so and just so parents to know that there's no cut and drop but so I think

37:06

of it as there's three different roles that parents do one is going to be like you mentioned that giving directions

37:13

when do you do what I call a director role and then the other is when do you collaborate when do you come up with

37:19

decisions together and the third role is when do you support when do you let your

37:24

child make the final decision and it's very important to understand director

37:32

collaborator and supporter so that you have the right role now your kids might

37:37

not always agree with the role that you've chosen um so you a but for

37:45

example a director a director is when you like I shared the after then um

37:50

strategy is a director role strategy you know I wasn't letting my daughter choose

37:56

at one point we discussed that she was going to clean the bathroom that had already been discussed but at that

38:02

moment I wasn't going to let her decide whether to do the bathroom or not I

38:09

pulled up a director role strategy right now some parents if the kid says oh I'll

38:16

do it later and you get fooled and you say oh okay parents get

38:23

fooled by that all the time you just that was an incorrect then you were

38:28

letting your child decide when it was going to happen and you know what it

38:34

isn't going to happen so that's a time you need to say no you know this is my job as a parent they need to do chores

38:42

I'm a real big thing on chores you don't do tons of them but every kid needs to contribute to the household and you have

38:47

to you have to pull it up and say well this needs to be done you can

38:53

do the after that or it's time to do the bathroom um and and to know that their

38:59

angst their frustration that they can handle it like be really careful to not be

39:07

fooled and give them power so anyways uh such as emptying the dishwasher you know

39:13

getting off the internet things that they don't want that you want because

39:20

it's a rule a guideline safety things then you need to be a

39:25

director and you really you it when you can do it where you're not shaming the

39:31

kid you're not making him feel bad then they can hear it and they can handle

39:36

it so it's it's time to put the laundry away but I want to watch this show right

39:42

now it's time for the laundry but after the laundry then you can watch

39:49

the show and then you might even stick an empathy statement well you really love that show don't say I know I

39:56

usually that doesn't work I know you really no don't say that it's not about you just yeah you really love that show

40:02

period don't say but please do not say you really love that show but you have

40:08

to do the laundry because then it it it's not then it did takes away from

40:13

your empathetic statement yeah that it's a great

40:19

show after you do the laundry you can watch it so I want parents to have

40:25

confidence when they stay ha it you can even smile you know like this is it then

40:32

your kids will respect you more and they'll respond more and they'll cooperate more okay so that's the

40:37

director role and it's like Buck it up parent you got to do it it sounds it

40:43

sounds just like you're not stepping into the emotional arena in that type of situation

40:50

obviously like a 13-year-old who's like watching the show and doesn't doesn't want to do the dishwasher there's going

40:56

to be emotions that come up for that that's absolutely normal it's okay very natural but um yeah as the parent as the

41:04

Director you know you're not stepping into that emotional Arena because no one wins in that situation like if you're

41:10

just going to throw emotion at emotion it's just going to be a cluster and and you know they're trying

41:16

to get what they want in their life so okay so and you are helping guide them

41:26

on this path so that they are learning certain skills for life right kids have

41:31

to learn how to contribute to the household they're in a dorm room they have to have learned already that they

41:39

pick up their things that's a skill it's a skill as important as schoolwork I'm sorry how do

41:46

you contribute to the family um so when the kids mad at you you know you're you

41:52

just you have to be mindful that you might get trigger triggered like my kidneys listen to me why are they so

41:59

disrespectful it's important I help parents realize what are they thinking that will help will make them get

42:06

triggered so if you realize that and then you say no I'm not going there I'm just okay my kids doing their thing to

42:12

get their needs met I'm just staying the course being clear one dad had these two

42:17

teenage boys and they were he had a really hard time getting them to do what

42:22

they're supposed to do at the chores and he did the after then and he was telling

42:28

me he had to do it like five times like he had to each time he had to repeat it

42:34

fewer and fewer words and the teenage boys finally said oh all right and they

42:40

did it like like they knew dad had one because Dad stayed the course well I

42:49

don't remember what the chore was and he didn't falter and the kids gave in so

42:54

the kids need to feel your strength it's I call it soft power it's not hard it's

43:00

not harsh it's not mean it's not yelling yelling is not um a very effective means

43:07

to uh get kids to cooperate okay so collaborate um I encourage parents to

43:12

have collaborative discussions such with things that impact everybody such as

43:18

chores that impacts everybody in the household right if the dishes aren't done what do you eat off of if the

43:25

groceries aren't got gotten at the store all those things that there should be a

43:30

collaborative discussion and you start out with okay guys this impacts everybody let's get together let's talk

43:37

about what are all the things that need to be done and then let's divide them up um so once you do that this makes

43:47

sound easy I have a whole I have several chapters in my book about collaborative problem solving once you do the problem

43:55

solving then chance necess are you have to be a director to make sure they follow through so for example I gave the

44:02

example of my daughter cleaning the bathroom that was one of the chore she was doing it doesn't mean that on her own

44:09

she's going to do it so I think parents get upset they say we made this chore chart and now you're not doing

44:18

it you said you were gonna do it you get what I'm saying Simon oh yeah

44:24

I do yeah so I encourage parents once you okay you post the the chore chart and

44:31

then know they still don't want to do it but you've done the collaborative problem solving and you're still going

44:37

to probably need to do a director role strategy that's just how it is and and

44:43

don't get angry about it like that's your job I'm sorry you're the parent that's your job that's that's why you

44:51

had kids too is to help them become responsible not by

44:57

trying to make them feel responsible but by you setting up expectations and not

45:04

backing down and not getting mad by them doing it over and over again then

45:10

they'll develop that sense of that this is their responsibility might not happen

45:15

till late teenage years so I think parents get these

45:20

expectations and get mad at their kids what it um and then the third one I know

45:26

we need to wrap this probably is the supporter role like if it's their problem to solve like a friendship issue

45:34

um then you can say you know honey this like the thing my friend's not texting me or not calling me wow this sounds

45:40

like a real challenge you know you'll make the decision what to do I'm not

45:45

going to tell you what to do I can be here for you we can just kind of throw around ideas or I can just

45:53

listen and and I but it's going to be up to you to decide

45:58

because kids need to hear that because um most most the parents I work with

46:05

have taken over their kids problems like they've been jumped in as

46:10

a director like I need to fix it I can't see my kids suffering so what happens

46:15

then the kid stops talking to them because if I if they open up Dad

46:23

mom's going to tell me what to do so I don't want to talk to them so if you're trying to make a change and become more

46:29

of a supporter it's important to say to your kids you know I think I did this in the past I was always telling you what

46:35

to do is is that what I did yeah yeah I'm really working on not

46:43

doing that yeah it's I mean it's all I mean if you have the perspective as a parent that you are essentially training

46:52

your children for the real world because you're not always going to be there to be their director you know you're

46:57

teaching them to become their own director I think if you have that perspective then it is a lot easier to

47:04

not step into that emotional Battleground and then stay in this this

47:09

prefrontal you know cortex of analytical thinking and kind of staying in the moment and you know keeping your role

47:16

and know by you keeping your role you're serving your child a lot better I think

47:21

yeah having that perspective as a parent would be a lot a lot easier if you're able to just hold that thought in your

47:27

mind whilst you're you know engaging with your kids and you mentioned about like you know sitting around and discussing the chores and you know

47:34

collaborating with the family that kind of comes into the benefits of like having consistent family meetings and

47:40

what what kind of age would you do that with a child um so you can have family meetings

47:48

starting around age four or five when they're pretty young and what's

47:54

important a family meeting there's a it's helpful to have a certain structure

48:00

and that you make sure that you start out with compliments of each other like start out with something really positive

48:06

it's not like okay we need have a family meeting to talk about something I'm upset with you about it it's it better

48:12

to have it like we're this is an opportunity for everyone to bring up their issues to talk about it but let's

48:19

start out with what do you want to thank somebody in the family about or what do you appreciate so you wanted to be

48:25

you're coming together as an opportunity to share and then also um I encourage

48:32

people to have a piece actual piece of paper where people can write down what they want to talk about during the week

48:38

so for kids like you know I I think I should stay up till 9:30 it isn't fair

48:44

you know that kind of an issue and you want to discuss that you can say hey put it on that might be something you want

48:50

to talk about as a whole family if there's a conflict about that it's up to you to decide where you want to or not

48:56

you can say hey why don't you put it on the chart on the the list of things to talk about maybe we can talk about that

49:02

next week so it gives them an opportunity to know okay there's an issue I have and there's a forum where I

49:07

can talk about it and then you also want to talk about something nice during the family meeting

49:14

like maybe you're know you've got the afternoon what are we going to do on vacation what are we going to do

49:20

together or something nice and then end up with something nice a treat or a game

49:25

so it it Tes it helps bring everybody together so that you're not because

49:32

otherwise I'm going to tell you know parents and everybody's so busy like nobody has time but if you let's say you

49:39

said 45 minutes every week now with little kids you might only start out

49:45

with 20 minutes that might be as long as a five-year-old could handle it by the time they're teenagers you know um 40

49:54

minutes 45 minutes to be okay and we did it for many years with my daughter so there we have one daughter and was

50:01

always hard for her was like I'm the only kid but we have all the notes we took so you keep notes about what was

50:07

planned we have notes about what like she at one point she was going to she

50:12

wanted a basketball hoop and so she called up stores this is before you had

50:18

the internet she called up stores to find out how much they cost and when

50:24

they're going to be on sale so because of this this desire she had we didn't

50:30

jump in and fix it she took responsibility to find out things and and that builds a kid's sense of um

50:38

maturity when they take over responsibility for things so doing that in a family media is really really

50:43

helpful or maybe you want to go somewhere and you say hey how about okay why don't you Bobby why don't you check

50:50

out some of the hotels if they're old enough to do that right and bring it back the next meeting what would that

50:56

cost let's look at what our budget is so that's where kids start to feel responsible and good about themselves

51:03

when they're actually contributing to the family that's really cool I think I

51:08

think um starting starting with something positive about the family that's very very interesting bringing

51:14

notes from the week that's amazing and then finishing up the the evening with

51:20

like a a game or a movie night or something that you're you know doing together and then you end up having like an hour a couple of hours of of you just

51:27

all together which is just you know an an oldfashioned idea of family time I

51:34

suppose isn't it and one one to come together and allowance I encourage that

51:39

your kids to have weekly allowance to learn how to manage money so that's another thing that we always talked

51:45

about what was the money going to be used for what was you know was she G to spend it on a movie so that way when if

51:52

she knew her money was used for movies she never asked me for money for a

51:59

movie if she wanted to go she didn't have the money she didn't go so I never was nagged for money for

52:07

things because I helped her become empowered for a certain amount of money and for her to learn how to budget it so

52:15

allowance is another important thing to be included um in the family meetings to talk about that the money what the money

52:21

is going to be used for yeah certainly very very important part of the the the

52:26

family Dynamic and learning the value of it and learning that you can even from a

52:31

young age you can create your own wealth you know I think that's an incredibly powerful thing to to teach a child from

52:37

a young age you know what what they can possibly do with that information that they know that they can use their you

52:44

know mind and their physical body to actually create money and then as they get older and their skill sets increase

52:50

and you know everything else it's yeah it's just a massive massively powerful tool to to teach children so yeah I

52:56

think that's also a very amazing thing um going to have to finish up there now Cynthia so can you let people know how

53:03

they can connect with you please yeah I think going to going to

53:11

Ally parenting.com is a great first step my book is Ally parenting you go to Ali

53:17

parenting.com it'll take you to my website that will also talk to you about

53:23

the private one-on-one coaching I do the speaking I've talked to over 600 schools

53:30

um I I just so I think that's the best place and then I do have I think my uh Instagram is Ally dasp parenting or Ally

53:38

parenting also on Instagram that's another place that I post information and my you know my book is really um

53:47

there as a guide and will give you very very specific information about what

53:53

I've been talking about and so you can find that on Amazon at actually I think it's uh bit.ly Ally Das

54:00

parting or just Cynthia Klein Ally parenting you can find me and it's an audible as well as soft cover I'd love

54:08

to share the wisdom that I have with everyone wonderful yeah we'll make sure

54:13

that all of those links are available in the show notes to your website to your social media and to the book but thank

54:21

you so much for your time today I've I've learned I mean I've got I've got two young children and I've learned I

54:27

learned quite a few things tonight so I appreciate it wonderful glad I could help great

54:34

well great to be here yeah that's great well thank you for listening everybody this has been true Hope cast the official podcast of true hope Canada

54:41

don't forget to subscribe if you haven't yet if you're listening on iTunes leave a little review takes a minute and it's

54:47

very very helpful so thank you very much for that but we will uh see you next week thanks

54:54

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